Sharp Broads

So Wednesday is a good karaoke night at Levende Lounge, but Ed is busy and pretty much no one other than he and Maria will go to this particular venue, so it’s down to me and her. I’m kind of boring company on my own, plus the last time we went the staff thought we were on a date which was really embarrassing for her, so she decides to bring a Craigslist date. “What a cool idea,” I say, “I will do the same.”

After rejecting a slew of unworthy guys, Maria puts something together with some guy with a motorcycle. I, meanwhile, have no responses to my amazing post.

My amazing post:

About me: I’m tall and skinny and pasty but kind of handsome all the same. I’m shy but funny if you can put me at ease. You probably can’t. Oh well!

I need a date for karaoke tonight and I will not take no for an answer. I am amazingly good at karaoke so you don’t even need to look at this as a date so much as a free amazing show except you have to sit next to some dude but it’s alright cause he’s alright. I can also dance like a gypsy on fire so if there’s a dance song we can get up and dance to escape the boring conversation. The last time I danced with a girl I accidentally spit on her a little but I am pretty sure that was a one-time thing.

Act now, I won’t live forever.

The fact that this didn’t get me a date is depressing proof that all women are pigs, but let’s move on.

Without my own date to be nervous about, I started getting nervous about Maria’s date. “Motorcycle” sounds tough and big: What if he punches me? What if he’s like “who is this scrawny little man talking to my date?” and punches me? So I wear my leather jacket to look tough and ask Maria to tell him that I’m gay so that I will appear less threatening.

I arrive at Levende first, but that’s okay. It’s funny how I’m not cool with being alone at a bar, but if I’m alone at a bar and I know that friends are coming I’m totally fine with it. So I sit by myself, near the front, and sing a song or two. I’m really good at this, so despite being mostly empty I get some huge applause. Woo!

Eventually I spot him in the far corner of the bar. Big dude with a shaved head and a huge red goatee stands out in a place like Levende, which is full of metros and karaoke geeks. Maria asks me to go tell him she’ll be late, but he looks kind of intense, so I’m like “hell no!” because I do not like to be punched. I put go up to the sign-up list and request Rock Lobster so I can help cement the gay thing.

Anyway, Maria finally arrives, and invites me over the bar with them. I kind of politely introduce myself but barely. He makes a friendly face with his eyes and that helps. For most of the night I just sort of sit next to them, not really listening to what they’re saying, and only occasionally interjecting what’s relevant. I realize that fifth wheel is kind of the perfect role for me: It’s actually polite of me to half-ignore the people I’m with, but I am also not alone.

Plus it is kind of reassuring to see this big man of a dude doing all the same shit I do on dates. He runs out of things to say, he looks kind of nervous, et cetera. He actually seems kind of shy and sincere overall, which I want Maria to like, because if women do not like that then it is basically over for me.

Meanwhile, I am singing and rocking hard, and the crowd is really into me. When the KJ calls my name there’s a couple of people who are like “Wayne! Yeah!” which makes me feel like a rock star, I mean even a little more than normal. Maria thinks I should try hitting on whoever my biggest fan is but I figure out that it’s this really cute blond girl so the best I can manage is this shy wave as I run away from the stage. I pretty much ignore her after that.

Some time later, this humorous picture of Skeletor (a character from the 80s cartoon He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) in front of a mic comes up on screen, and the biker guy is like “yes! Skeletor!” Maria doesn’t know what this means, so I turn and I’m like “HELL YEAH!” in part to be reassuring, although mainly it’s just because I fucking love Skeletor and I identify with him so much. In any case it’s probably not very reassuring to have something in common with me.

Maria disappears to the restroom shortly after that. I think about trying to explain to this dude how he should not be embarrassed about his Skeletor moment, because Maria likes guys who are a little geeky, but I don’t know how to bring this up in a non-awkward way, and I’m not even sure that it is true. And suddenly I feel these big hands on my shoulders: “Why don’t you come be social with the group?” this large stranger says, in kind of an accusing way, and then heads out the front door.

I’m mostly confused by this, because I’m not really sure which group he is talking about. I kind of figure out by process of elimination that he’s with a lot of karaoke regulars who I see all the time, and maybe he’s giving me a hard time for seeing these people so often without trying to get to know them. But I don’t feel like I’ve seen this guy in particular before, so that doesn’t quite make sense to me.

In any case, I find it a little upsetting. I mean, here I am being made to feel socially dysfunctional, and it’s not even my date!

But Maria sends me a text message from the bathroom: “He has a kid!”

So I go to the bathroom when she gets back and write: “At least you know he’s not a virgin!”

Some time later, Ed calls, sounding intense and drunk. He wants to come, and I check in with the KJ to make sure they’ll be running late enough for that to be worth his while. I let Maria know that she’ll be coming, and she seems to have a sense of foreboding about this. I can’t understand the reason for this at the time. Maria is much smarter than me.

I sing another song or two; Maria and the biker converse. And one point I overhear him say “the last thing I downloaded on bittorrent was 17 gigs of motorcycle manuals,” and I realize that things are going very well.

And then Ed arrives.

He comes stomping in, clearly on a mission. He comes right up to me, leans in close, and urgently explains the situation:

“Okay, so my friend Mia? You met her at my birthday party and she’s totally into you. She thinks you’re amazing, she says you’re out of her league. She obviously hasn’t read your blog, right?! She’s totally hot, though, I think you’ll want to do her. She’s coming here tonight, and I want to make this happen. But you are going to have competition. She’s on a date with this other guy, and they are in a cab literally right behind me. They will be here any second. Don’t worry Wayne, I will make this happen.”

I process everything that Ed has just told me with a mixture of excitement and horror. I mean, it is cool that anyone is into me. On the other hand, this sounds like the most awkward situation imaginable, and I am at this point way too drunk to handle it. Against Ed’s urging that I be here when she arrives I head to the bathroom, because I really need to use it, and because I really need to sort my head out.

When I get back, she and some kind of smallish guy are there. He looks like a college student, I mean he’s got this bag strapped to him and everything. And Mia: The moment I walk up, Ed grabs my hand and her hand and thrusts them together in a handshake. I am standing a few feet away at the time, so this requires yanking me forward like a rag doll, which he does with ease. Ed is a force of nature. The handshake is exceedingly awkward for obvious reasons (and also because she’s holding something in that hand), so I just laugh and smile too big (which is a bad idea with my teeth; someone could get hurt) and she basically does the same.

Ed buys us some Irish car bombs. There is a process to drinking them and I am not aware of it, but I try to follow their lead and end up spilling a lot on my hand but fortunately none on my coat. I excuse myself to go wash my hand; it is kind of a blessing to get the fuck out of there again anyway.

When I get back she is in a conversation with her date; he has a hand on her shoulder, which he moves down to her waist. I don’t know how he does this while still talking; I would almost certainly bite off my tongue if I tried.

“Why aren’t you talking to her?” Ed asks me. I point to the dude she is obviously currently talking to. “Do you want me to start talking to him?” Ed asks, and then he just sort of does it.

Mia looks back at me; I smile politely and look away. I stand away from the group for a little, but not for long. The KJ calls our names - Mia and I - and that forces the situation a little. Ed’s put in a duet for us; he asked and I told him Love Shack, because it’s an easy song for me and because it will make me seem gay, and less threatening to that guy she’s with. I still do not want to be punched.

Mia looks at me as we go up, worried about the song: “The only thing I know is ‘tin roof rusted,’” she says.

“Don’t worry,” I say, “that’s the only part that matters.” And this is true.

We go up there, and I am amazing, as usual. It is an easy song and I do a decent Fred Schneider, so even though I am very drunk I still totally kill. The Kate Pierson/Cindy Wilson harmonies, however, are somewhat more difficult. Particularly when you are only one person, and you do not know the song very well. So Mia bombed. Even her tin roof rusted, which I expected to be her moment of redemption, was weak and inquisitive. The song felt very long.

Afterward, she is upset with me. “You didn’t bail me out!” she says. “You should have danced more!” I felt like I was dancing the whole time, but I apologized anyway.

“I’m going to have to do some T. Rex to redeem myself,” she says.

“Did you say T. Rex?” I’m not a huge fan of the band, but being a Bowie fan I have a certain obligatory appreciation for them. Also, I love the dinosaur.

“I’m going to have to do some T. Rex to redeem myself,” she just repeats.

So that’s kind of hot, but I look over her shoulder, and I see her date. It is kind of clear that the guy has figured out what is happening, and I can see too much in his face right now. It is blank and still, rendered useless by a humiliation that can not be expressed. I have felt the muscles in my face go dead like that too many times. I do not want to play a part in this.

Ed gets called to the stage, and Mia wanders over to watch. Maria looks at me: “We should leave while we have the chance.” Her biker dude is already gone, I notice, so there is nothing to hold us back.

We make our way out into the world. I ask what she thinks of her date, and it sounds like things went well. I am glad for that. And Ed keeps calling and texting me, very upset with me for leaving when he was trying to play matchmaker. I try to explain my position, which is I think a fair one, and try to give him the encouragement that this Mia thing is a good idea, just left for another time.

I wonder about that on the way home, though. Tonight I had an excuse to be aloof, a reason to leave too soon. I look back at the dates where I didn’t have that, and how they went. Tonight may have been the best thing.